Tongue vs Tail
by Sus
Summary: Its the title fight of the century! See Grima Wormtongue battle Peter Wormtail Pettigrew in the ring for your enjoyment! Complete with Grima Girlies and your hosts Legolas and Ron Weasley!


//Dedicated to KT and the loony four-hour drunken argument! Great times...and Legolas IS bland!//  
  
  
Sus: "Hello, and welcome to the fight of the century! Yes folks, today in the ring we have none other than the bitches of the two baddest bad guys in fantasy today! In the red corner, we have Grima son of Galmod, aka Wormtongue, crawling henchman and general whipping boy of that crowd favourite, the ever popular fallen Maia, the evil Wizard Saruman the White!"  
  
*crowd boos and hisses*  
  
Sus: "Looks like Saruman is accepting the crowd's boos as a compliment! Now, here in the blue corner we have Peter Pettigrew, aka Wormtail! He's the errand-boy and cowering servant of the newcomer Dark Lord Voldemort! Voldemort is yet to prove his mettle in this game, and let's hope his servant will be up to the challenge!  
Now, folks, its time for me to hand you over to our hosts for this evening's match, Legolas son of Thranduil, 3000 year old elf of Mirkwood, and Ronald Weasley, a fourth year student at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry!"  
  
*crowd cheers as Legolas and Ron take their places in the box*  
  
Sus: "Over to you, guys!"  
  
Ron: "Hi everyone! Tonight we're hoping to have an exciting fight. Let us give you some of the contestants' stats:  
  
Grima "Wormtongue" stands at five feet three inches, which might sound short, but since Peter "Wormtail" Pettigrew measures up at five foot four you'll see there's not much in it!  
  
Legolas: "They are both very frail. I sense that this fight will not be a long one."*bites his lip and looks dramatically to the top left of the shot*  
  
Ron: *looks at Legolas oddly from the corner of his eye* "Yeah. Right. Anyway. Both fighters seem to be almost evenly matched in terms of weight, strength and experience. This promises to be a closely fought match. Who do you fancy to win, Legolas?"  
  
Legolas: *furrows brow * "You ask me a question I cannot answer. Who knows the solution to such riddles?"   
  
Ron: "…so basically you're telling me you couldn't pick one, they're both so equally matched?"  
  
Legolas: *looks at Ron seriously* "Yes."  
  
Ron: "Right then. *under breath* Pretentious git…"  
  
*bell rings*  
  
Ron: "It looks like our contestants are ready to fight! Saruman and Voldemort are taking their places behind their champion's corner. Just to remind you again, in the red robe and shorts is Wormtongue, and in the blue is Wormtail!  
Ron: "…"  
  
Ron: *pokes Legolas in the side with his wand* "Are you going to help me out here or what?"  
  
Legolas: *looks at Ron fiercely and reaches for his bow, screwing up his eyes* "Do you challenge me, small boy?"  
  
Ron: "Oh for God's sake…now, the contestants are removing their robes…what the hell..? A group of girls in the red corner supporters section are jumping up and down and screaming. One of them seems to be holding a banner saying…"GRIMA GIRLIES LOVE YOU GRIMA!!!!"  
  
Legolas: *looks stunned* "They are cheering for him? But where…where are my fangirls?" *stands up and strikes a pose. There is silence. No one cheers. He sits back down and the Grima Girlies start screaming again. He looks distinctly miffed*  
  
Ron: "You're as bad as Lockhart, you are! Anyway…Saruman and Voldemort seem to be conferring with their respective champions…I must say, neither of them looks particularly happy to be in the ring. Voldemort appears to be poking Wormtail with his wand. Oh look, Saruman's seen him and started hitting Wormtongue with his staff. This doesn't seem to amuse the Grima Girlies…good grief; one of them's stolen Saruman's staff! Look at that, you great elfy nance, she's running away with it!"  
  
Sus: *cheers and tears off shirt to reveal Grima Girlies shirt underneath*  
  
Legolas: *is sulking*   
  
Ron: "That's put Saruman in a bad mood! He doesn't look happy…oh, looks like the fight's about to begin! Wormtail, prodded in the back by Voldemort, is advancing on Wormtongue…but quite frankly he looks terrified. Wormtongue doesn't look much happier, but he looks as if he's more frightened of Saruman. *looks at Legolas, who is twisting a lock of his own hair around his finger and not even watching the fight* You are absolutely useless!"  
  
Legolas: "You would not say that if you were a man and not a mere boy! Were you grown I would challenge you to a duel, right here!"  
  
Ron: "Think you're tough elf-man? Want a piece of this?!" *leaps on Legolas, hitting him over the head with his wand. They scuffle*  
  
Sus: "Um…right, okay. I suppose I'll just have to take over!"  
  
*sounds of shouting and glass breaking in the background*  
  
Sus: "As to the fight…the official fight, that is…the two contestants are circling one another warily, goaded by their masters. I must say, Grima's looking particularly attractive in those tight little shiny red shorts…all pale skin and black hair…*gets hit by a shoe thrown by the audience* That was you KT! I saw you! Anyway…oh my god, what's going on? It seems that both contestants are fleeing the ring! Wormtongue had the head start and is running towards the exit doors…Wormtail is making for the fire escape…what a humiliation for their masters! Saruman looks livid, he's Saruman the Brick Red With Rage! Voldemort seems calm, however, he's pulling out his wand…yes, he's performed the Imperius curse and Wormtail's come marching right back. I have a feeling Saruman's going to have a harder job catching his servant though!"  
  
*shouts of "Elfy git!" and "Insolent child!" accompanied by the sounds of furniture smashing are heard in the background. Finally there is a huge crash and Ron returns red-faced and sweating to the microphone*  
  
Ron: "Sorry about that folks…what've I missed? What's going on? Wormtongue is being carried back into the hall by two orcs…and Saruman and Voldemort don't look best pleased…"  
  
Legolas: *crawls into his seat. He has a huge red lump on his head* "It seems our contestants could find no courage for this fight."  
  
Ron: "Yeah. They tried to run away. Jeez, what have they got to be scared of? Big pale skinny weaklings…*sees Sus's look, shuts up* Voldemort is doing something horrible to Wormtail…he's writhing around and screaming…could it be…the Cruciatus curse? *winces* Ouch. Nasty. Saruman seems to be content with kicking Wormtongue…the Grima Girlies look very unhappy about this, the one that stole Saruman's staff is waving it about…she's looking pretty dangerous. Oh…Saruman's seen her. Yeah, I'd run too."  
  
Legolas: "These women do not seem to be focusing their attentions only on Saruman. Some of them are looking in Voldemort's direction."  
  
Ron: "Yeah. Oh, he's running now too. So would I, the way she's wielding that great lump of wood."  
  
Sus: "Both Wizards have grabbed their champions and taken to their heels. *mutters* You'd better run, Saruman…Ahem. What's this…they're coming back..? Do they want a beating…? Ah, now I see, they are exchanging servants!"  
  
Ron: "They got mixed up! Hahahaha!"  
  
Legolas: "It is not a hard mistake to make, after all."  
  
Ron: "The Grima Girlies have chased Saruman and Voldemort from the hall! It seems that neither Wormtongue nor Wormtail won this fight, but I'd chalk it up as a victory for the Grima Girlies..!"  
  
Sus: *tears off Grima Girlies shirt to reveal the "I heart Voldemort!" shirt underneath. She runs off after the mob* "Don't run Voldy! I love you really!!!!!"  
  
Ron: "That girl wears one hell of a lot of t-shirts."  
  
Legolas: "Indeed. *looks a Ron* Well…it seems it is just you and me here…"  
Ron: "Oh, bugger off you poncey git." *leaves*  
  
*Legolas is alone. He sits and stares at the table until the last remaining fangirl, a girl with shoulder-length, dark brown hair and blue eyes, comes running and leaps on him*   
  
  
  
THE END 


End file.
